Women of Trachis...REMIX!!

For those of you who don't know, I love all things myth related. I know more Greek and Roman myths than I've EVER known phone numbers. One of the reasons I like them so well is that the myths in my head aren't QUITE what they are on paper. It's probably the result of being dropped on my head a few times as a baby, but, hey, it gave me a major in college right? and who doesn't need a useless but fun major when they get to college?
Anyway, so I'm going to show you all a bit of how my brain works and retell one of my favorite myths, and if this one goes well, maybe you'll get a few more. This one is the myth of how Herakles died.
So Herk was married to this sexy broad named Deianira.

I will be playing the lovely Deianira for this little remix. Aren't I just gorgeous?

 You see, he'd won her in this huge fight with a horny river god, and because she was so stinkin' foxy, he decided why not take her home, right?

Kate is playing the Manly Herakles. And for the record the river god really was part cow. Yay random animal sex!

On the way home they came to this river. You'd think Herk would have remembered it from when he came to get the broad, but whatever. They're just sitting there twiddling their thumbs being bummed because they can't cross the river.
When a tricky Centaur named Nessos comes by and he's all, "I can take your bitch across the river, Herk, my man."
And Herk's all, "Okay but watch your hands bud, cuz I just kicked some river god ass for her and I'm not about to lose this fine dame."
Nessos just smiles, grabs Dei, and into the river they go. About half way across Ol' Nessos decides Herk can't get him and goes in to cop a feel. But Herk isn't about to be fooled and gets him with an arrow.
His dying little speech to Dei is pretty much, "If you think Herk is ever gonna cheat on you, just take some of my blood and rub it on his clothes, and he'll love you again."
 And miraculously Dei  just happens to have a jar on her and collects some blood, and they're on their way home.

This is actually a replica of a Hellenistic period vase painting.
Apparently Zelda was way more widely loved than we thought.

Well a couple of blissful years pass, and Herk's off killin' shit like he does, when all of a sudden Dei gets this bad feeling. She goes and tells her son about a prophesy Herk had told her about a while back. This was to be his last Earth-savin' trip, and if he made it through this one he was gonna get the title of most bad ass god and make his way into immortality. Well it had been a while since he'd left, and she was nervous, so she sent the son to go creep on her husband cuz that's what good wives do.
Right after her son leaves, she notices that there's her husband's friend Lichas. Lichas has a group of slave women like he do and is bringin' them to Herk's house. Dei is like, "Hey, that one's pretty AND cryin'. What's her deal, Lichas?"
Lichas is like, "You don't wanna know. Trust me."
Die is like, "Aww, come on. You know you wanna tell me."
So Lichas says, "Well, maybe later, but she won't talk."
Dei is like, "Well the poor thing must be traumatized, havin' her family killed and all. Bring her in, and we'll help her out."
While the other slaves are being all slavey with the new slaves, Dei weasels it out of Lichas that the mystery slave's name is Iole and she's Herk's favorite. Dei freaks out and goes in and makes Herk a new cloak cuz that's what she do.
Then she remembers the creepy jar of Nessos blood she has in the closet, whips that shit out and covers Herk's new cloak with it.

For the record some of the creep factor is lost when the blood is actually a
heart container...but just imagine a jug o' blood in your closet. It's like an
episode of Tales from the Crypt only I'm not seven and I didn't have to
reassure my sister she could sleep with me that night. 

She also gets a bit sloppy with it and gets some on some wool on the floor. That'll come up later.
So she wraps up Herk's neat-o present and gives it to Lichas to give to Herk.
Well just a bit after Lichas left, Dei goes to clean up her mess and takes that bloody wool out cuz it's probably trash day in Trachis or something and BAM! That crap catches on FIRE!

I think I'm getting better at hands. It's all in the disguise of the fingers. Fingers are evil.

She's like, "WTF!! Herk's gonna get all snuggly in the cloak I made him and CATCH ON FIRE!" Which for a while, I bet, she thought would be neat looking until she remembered he's not immortal yet. Then she freaked out again.
Well, about that time Dei's son comes back and is like, "WTF MOM!! You tryin' to kill dad? What a Bitch! AND you made Dad throw Lichas off the cliff, he was so pissed! Whore."
And Dei's like "Well, Shit."
So off she goes to kill herself on her bed, and her maid sees it and then tells her son what a bastard he'd been. About that time Herk comes in all in pain and crying like a pansy. The  son goes up to him and is like, "So, Dad, I think Mom only accidentally killed you."
Herk's like," Don't be talkin' about that bitch while I'm hurting. She can go to hell."
Son's like, "Well, Dad, she might have she just killed herself on your bed."
Herk's like, "Good. So about me dying. I want you to promise me you'll take me to the top of Mt. Oeta, burn me, and then marry that sexy bitch Iole that I brought home."
Son's like, "Uh, no. She's the one that started this shit, and I can't lift your fat ass to take you up the mountain."
Herk proabably cries a bit more then says, "Take some friends and drag me up there if you have to, but you're marrying that bitch."
Son's like, "Fine, Dad, I will."
And off they go to roast dad and marshmallows or whatever it is you do when you roast your dad on the top of a mountain.
Word.

Word to my homies.

The Uses of Bleach

So Kate and I went to a local well known buffet restaurant, lets call it Yellow Fence, and multiple shenanigans ensued. First of all I had the bright idea that instead of just getting my nails painted like normal on my aunt and my girl's night out I would get my eyebrows waxed. Bad move. I ended up with a bit of an eyebrow shadow really. Kate says I look a little like I'm shocked or inquisitive all the time.

I have been slowly trying to find ways to disguise the fact that I only have three eyebrow hairs on my entire face.

Drawn on just never looks right.

Covering them with hair makes me look like a bit of a Chewbacca.

A head band makes me look like a ninja or a really boring hippie.

Well to cheer myself up I decided that Kate and I would go to the yummy Yellow Fence. The thing we didn't realize was that it was Mother's Day. Apparently every mother in the entire state of Arkansas only wanted to eat at Yellow Fence for their gift. As Kate and I drove up we noticed the grass field that is normally filled with bunnies, slumbering homeless men, and probably an old roll smuggled out of yellow fence, was now filled with cars. Row upon row of cars.

I'm fairly proud of my hobo and I'm sorry the bunny looks like it's trying to poop.
Also the yellowish thing in the corner is a roll not a rock.
As a side note I'm fairly certain I intended my hobo to be seductive.

Yes that is a school bus.

Me and my three eyebrow hairs would not be deterred. I found and fought for our parking spot and off we went into the yummy restaurant. Once inside we realized this was one of those nights where you may only eat if you are not afraid of judo chopping an old lady in the throat. And I wasn't. Me and my three eyebrow hairs had a lot of pent up frustration that could only be released through the glory of a well placed judo chop.

Why yes, those are nice man hands aren't they?

Once seated kate and I put our receipt on the table like responsible people to hold our table and off we went, a flurry of judo chops and arm bars all in the name of really good rolls and mashed potatoes. We finished off two plates (cuz we're emotional eaters and I only had three eyebrows) with little cause for alarm. I had an old lady steal a roll off my plate but I fixed her get-a-long and reclaimed my wrongfully snatched roll with glee.
The true problems came about when we went questing for delicious desert. Kate got some lumpy pudding thing and I came back with a mound of cherry cobbler to try and ease the pain only we came back to a old couple happily munching on rolls in our table.
My eyebrows finally had the proper setting for the emotion the conveyed.

It's really the only expression that one can have while an old couple eat their tasty rolls. 

I can not express the confusion I felt in words so I will show you in the size of this question mark
large very large question mark with miniscule person for scale.
As kate and I saw it we only really had three options
mark our territory like I've seen my puppy do

Lots of tea will do that to you. Yup, that was a pee joke. You're welcome. 

Stand and eat while creepily staring at the old couple

Why yes that is ex-ray vision too.

or rub our crotch on the table thereby claiming it as ours for ever and for always.

For those of you not familiar with the last option it was a discovery we made freshman year of college. No matter what the object is if you rub your crotch on it it is now yours. No one wants it back. It's far more effective than licking it. Go home and try it. Rub your crotch on your roommate's pillow. You now have a new pillow. Want that last cookie? make it a crotch cookie and it's yours! This only works if they see you do it. If they don't see you rub your crotch on the object is is merely funny when you see them spit it out or try and wash the shame off of them after you've told them.
I learned one thing that fateful night at the Yellow Fence. Bleach can even get crotch off. Pun intended.